


The Hospital

by ArgentNoelle, Sonia34



Series: The Adventures of Batman and Joker [1]
Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Jokes, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Gotham General Hospital, Gun Violence, Humor, Nurse!Joker, Parody, Puns & Word Play, Screenplay/Script Format, Secret Identity, The Dark Knight - Freeform, Wigs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 00:45:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3189440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentNoelle/pseuds/ArgentNoelle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonia34/pseuds/Sonia34
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Joker talks to Harvey at the hospital, an unexpected visitor drops in...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hospital

**Joker:** Now, I don’t want there to be hard feelings about…

**Harvey:** RACHEL!!!

**Joker:** …Rachel. But, you know, I didn’t actually kill her. I mean, I was all locked up! I didn’t actually light the fuse… Oh hey, gimme that gun. Okay, now you flip your coin, okay? What’d I get, what’d I get? Am I dead? I’m dead… Oh, you know what? I think I hear Batman calling me.

**Batman:** JOKER.

**Joker:** ~* _Hi_.

**Batman:** Why are you talking like that? It sounds weird.

**Joker:** Look who’s talking.

**Batman:** I’m talking.

**Joker:** Mmhmm. Well, anyway I’m kind of busy. I’m in the middle of a possible suicide.

**Batman:** Whose?

**Joker:** Mine.

**Batman:** I can’t let you do that.

**Joker:** It’s nice to know you know you care.

Here, Harvey, gimme the coin. Okay, so see, the silver is the good side, huh, and the burnt side… well, you don’t wanna get that. Here, Harvey, flip the coin. I don’t remember what I got. Lets do it again… What’d I get, what’d I get? Am I dead?

**Harvey:** DEAD.

**Joker** : You know, I find it hard to believe I got that twice. Here, lets give Batman a turn… Oh. He lives. You know, just to make it fair, since I got two tries we should probably give him another turn. Oh look, he dies!

**Harvey:** NO.

**Joker:** No he does, see, you’re holding it upside down.

**Batman:** When I arrest you, you’re gonna be in chains.

**Joker:** Now, see, I don’t like chains. They’re very confining. I prefer bars. That way you can walk around. Or stare through them and make people… _uncomfortable_. If you’re in chains, it can be hard to turn around and look at them. And, if you snuck in a knife or a gun, it’s very hard to use if you can’t move your hands. But with bars, even if you don’t have a gun, you can go to the edge of the cell, and grab a guard, and slam them into it. And that’s pretty easy because they’re usually sleeping, anyway. They don’t have very good security in the Asylum.

So anyway, you take the key—off the guard. And they usually have a gun too. So you can take that as well. And the first thing you do, is go to the cafeteria, and shoot the cooks. The food is awful. Not five stars. I’d give it a two or a three. The accommodations aren’t that bad, but the food… I wouldn’t recommend it. But anyway, after the cooks are dead, sometimes they catch you again, and put you in handcuffs. Anyway, I’m a nurse. You can tell by the hair.

**Batman:** [clears throat]~ Are you stalling?

**Joker:** Sorry, I didn’t catch that.

**Batman:** ~ Are you stalling?

**Joker:** You know, I think your obviously fake voice is wavering. Better fix that. Here, say something.

**Batman:** ~ I think your wig looks. I think your wig looks. 

**Joker:** Yeah?

**Batman:** ~ I think your wig looks… ~ _Bad_.

**Joker:** What, you don’t like the color? I prefer green myself.

**Batman:** I like black.

**Joker:** Why is that not a surprise?

**Batman:** You’re coming with me.

**Joker:** Well I can’t leave my patient.

**Batman:** Don’t go near him.

**Joker:** Why? You don’t trust me? Are you still upset about that little _incident_ with…

**Harvey:** RACHEL!!!

**Joker:** Now… we’ve gone over this. I didn’t really – kill ‘er. I just… _caused_. Two guys. Steve—and Harold. No wait. Right, Steve and Joe. To – light a fuse. Which, made a building explode. It just happened to be the same building where… _Rachel_ … was tied up. Coincidence. Quite a shame. Wish things could have been different.

**Batman:** Lets ~[mmgh] Go.

**Joker:** Y’know, in my _medical_ opinion I think you might have laryngitis. That deep sound you usually use, puts—quite a, strain, on your vocal cords. Here, how about Harvey flips his coin to see if I help you, or… _not_.

**Harvey:** SILVER.

**Joker:** Right. That means I help.

 

***BANG***

 

**Joker:** There, I gave you a shot.

(hahahahahahahah)

**Batman:** Hey!

**Joker:** There see all fixed! ‘course, n-now you’re—b. bleeding. Into the carpet. That comes out of my salary y’know.

**Batman:** You won’t get away with this.

**Joker:** Oh—looks like you didn’t get completely cured. Want another shot? There’s another two or three left in here.

**Batman:** NO!

**Joker:** You sure? ‘cause—you know, if you don’t get that laryngitis fixed, um. Here. You might not—be able to—keep up the. _Disguise_. Someone might find out you’re Bruce Wayne. I mean, that would be bad. Imagine if _I_ found out. Who would I tell? But don’t worry. You’re secret’s safe with you.

**Batman:** I’m dying.

**Joker:** What?

**Batman:** I’M DYING!

**Joker:** Oh. Wow. Um, I didn’t know it was—possible. To die of laryngitis. In all my years in the –medical industry I’ve never come across something like this. It’ll definitely be something for the records.

**Batman:** SHOT!

**Joker:** Oh you want the other shot? N. No, no. Oh you _don’t_ want another shot. Was there something wrong with the last one? Oh dear. You’re bleeding out. I’m—I’ve got some stitches over here. If you want. There’s just a little _needle_ on the end. I’m very good with sharp things. Do you know how I got these scars? Well. I’m afraid that’s a story for another day. Because, the hospital’s going to, explode. And, I really don’t want to be here, when it happens. Bye.

 

***PAUSE***

 

**Harvey:** YOU’RE REALLY BRUCE WAYNE?!

**Batman:** What? You believed the Joker? Of course I’m not— [coughing…] [more coughing] yeah, I’m Bruce. Hey um—do you really think that really comes out of his salary?

**Harvey:** HE’S NOT A NURSE!

**Batman:** oh, yeah. Sorry. My head’s kind of fuzzy. From blood loss.

Here, I—I’m gonna—jump out the window. Gotta get out before this place blows up.

**Harvey:** WAIT!

**Batman:** What?

**Harvey:** ME!

**Batman:** Oh, um, I’ll visit you later. Doctors said you’re going to be fine.

 

***JUMPS OUT OF WINDOW***

 

**Harvey:** RRRRRGH!

 

***EXPLOSION***

 

**Batman:** Wait. I feel like I forgot something.

Oh. Oh God oh. No.

 

…I forgot to turn off my shower.

**THE END**


End file.
